We will better understand how to have self-esteem if we first clarify what we mean by self-esteem. There are many different definitions, based upon our perspective, which can be from a Christian religious, cultural or our family background views. Self-esteem for example is closely related to self, or selfishness in Christian religious culture and is often viewed as highly negative and sinful by all Christian denominations. In their biblical perspective, anything relating to self, selfishness, and self-esteem issues are to be suppressed, denied, and forsaken as the ‘before’ or sinful side of our soul. Denying ourselves and hating who we are as unique individuals created by God is Biblical and Christian. Most church management approve of this self-hating posture. This fills the church congregations with great Christian believers. However, the problem is most of the believers are only shadows of humans, they are great Christians but poor examples of fully actualized persons. The clergy are happy, but too many of their congregations are shame-based, broken, 'disconnected from their true gifts' shells of people. If you have had this experience with religion-based answers to solve your ‘how to have self-esteem’ problems, you are not alone. That is a misapplication of moral instruction to answer clinical emotional needs. Many people incorrectly turn to religion to answer medical, technical, and psychological needs questions.
This is why we will not look at this from a Christian religious view to find our answer, we will look at it from a spiritual perspective, which is greater than any religious view. Religion, any religion, even Christianity is only our western culture’s version of spirituality, right or wrong. Every culture perceives spirituality from a different view, all of them are right for their culture. So, from what angle do we ask our question, ‘how to have self-esteem?’ Since it involves the ‘self,’ it has to be a deep spiritual level of answer, because we are highly spiritual creations. If we are a rock or a tree, we do not have any ‘sense of self,’ since we do not need any ‘sense of self’ to be what we need to be.
We humans are the highest form of created beings. As such we need to have a sense of self-esteem in two areas; the first area is, ‘how we are like other people,’ and the second area is, ‘how we are different and unique from all other people’. Moreover, we need to love and have excitement about ourselves in both areas, to fully function. This enthusiasm of who we are will help us to find our life path and live out our life fully actualized. We need to feel we are a needed and beautiful part, like others, and we also need to feel we are different, equally needed and our different gift will make all of Humankind more complete with us in it.
When we were born, we were fully actualized and full of enthusiasm about ourselves, wanting to go forth and find the life we were to live out. Our self-esteem was already there. But it was taken away from us. By either missing or insufficient parenting, or misunderstood events where we were forced out of our element in life’s situations, we questioned our completeness and ability to function the way we need to. Everyone needs to know they are fully adequate at doing what they love to do, and that they are beautiful in doing it. This is one of the greatest spiritual needs in all of Humankind. Because of our enhanced awareness, we cannot be like an animal such as a cat or a horse, living out our instincts without any input of enthusiasm from us. Instinct input is not enough, there must be personal, individual input as well. Self esteem is the input for us to not only find ourselves, but also to input energy to share that found self-enthusiasm with Humankind in great joy. Our individuality is the car, our self-esteem is the fuel that drives it. Our self esteem also helps us see what kind of car we are and to love being the kind of car God created us to be. It is very hard to love who we are if we are not sure what kind of car, or person we are since it is hard to get excited over not knowing our uniqueness.
We have two things to do: The first thing then is to look for our identity, then after that we can look at how to love our identity. The first thing may be the hardest, especially if you have not had any experience yet in deep introspection and your life has not exposed you to your gift yet. This lack of exposure to who you are may not even happen for some people until later in adulthood. That can be normal. The way to find our identity is to look in the mirror of life which is to look for what we love to do. If we can find what we love to do, and have a gift for doing, studying, or building, then we know who we are as an individual. From that point on it is easy to look at those interests and find our excitement in how to fit into them. From then on as we see and feel our immersing ourselves into the world of us and the world of our interests, all outside bad things will have less effect on us and our interests will have more effect. That is the well of our self-esteem filling up with its life giving water of enthusiasm.
Let us look at what happened, and why we have low self-esteem, since we had very high self-esteem originally as young children. Life’s settings in culture, any culture, and any type of setting, large or small, big city or small rural agrarian setting, does not fit everyone. We, being social animals, have a learning modality based uniquely on seeing, copying, imitating, replicating what we see others do. This also means noticing how they see things, like how they see us, for example. We will see ourselves as they see us, in this case they may have seen us as bad, then we see ourselves incorrectly as bad also. Social settings require all of us to be immersed among masses of other people for the first 25 years or so of our lives to grow into our unique selves. In these general settings can be things some individuals may not fit into. Reptilian persons will not be as affected by deficient or missing parents since their emotional nurturing needs are small. However spiritual, emotionally deep children need much emotional nurturing and will be starved for love if subjected into the same setting. Cactus plants with thorns flourish in the desert, rain forest orchids do not. Negativity is present in all social settings, but sensitive gifted children will be more emotionally damaged by bad experiences such as missing parenting and cruel treatment by others they may have to be with in these settings.
The point is gifted children will have more need for nurturing and be way more easily emotionally damaged to their self esteem than lesser feeling children. The ones experiencing the most emotional pain and loss of self-esteem are the ones who possess the most capability to serve Humankind. Deep feelings and emotional capacities of the sensitive ones are what Humankind needs more of when the gifted needful ones become complete and can begin nurturing others! Your loss of self-esteem is because you are more sensitive, which means that when you regain your self-esteem, you will then become the one most capable to help other gifted persons to find themselves. The task of recognizing your gifts may take a while. But be open to the fact that it is because you are a gifted feeling person with much spiritual potential is the reason you see yourself as flawed, inferior, or lacking in some way necessary for life. Gifted persons are almost always late bloomers with the most fruit later in their lives. The ones most emotionally needful early are most likely to have the richest, fullest lives in middle and old age. Their wisdom affords them also very high social standing in their local communities. This I have experienced myself and have seen many times in many others.
Self-esteem is connected to your strengths. If your life has emotional trauma and lack of nurturing in it, which throws you off the track, then how are we to find our strengths and get into our rightful world? First accept that you are not a weak and flawed person, you are a gifted deep spiritual person. Seeing yourself in that light will over time reveal sides of you that you could not ever see before, such things as your enthusiasm for classical music you discovered briefly in your youth. You forgot about it because you thought it was not relevant to you ever. Perhaps you remember liking to act like an adult and listen to adult music when your friends were listening to teen music, and it was not your style. That was because you were connecting to all things traditional and classy, you loved establishment and culture. When you search deep enough you will hit on some subject or thing that excites you. Upon further examination of those areas, you will hit upon something that is truly you. The more you focus and immerse yourself in those areas, you will find your significance and place in life and Eternity, where you belong, and there you will find your place in the sun and your highest self-esteem.
Just to clarify, for women especially, your place in the sun does not have to be in a profession or in a place that you must create for yourself on your own. It can be as simple as a setting, like being a wife and mother in a home, caring for a husband, two children and a house full of plants and a cat. What truly satisfies your self-esteem is trusting to find the setting God will prepare for you already, in your future, waiting for you to occupy. The supplying of the setting is up to God, your focus on what truly makes your high self-esteem will be the map that will lead you there.
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Just for the record, this is an emotional and spiritual encouragement ministry. We are selling nothing here and are not at the present time even set up to take donations, and probably never will. Your healed life is our reward enough, and we are very pleased with that. If you want to, please share your strength with others in your future so our nurturing can live on.